Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:4–7; Proverbs 4:23; Philippians 2:3–4
Imagine going on a first date. Everything seems wonderful. You enjoy the conversation, share some interests, and begin thinking the relationship might have potential. Then, somewhere between dinner and dessert, the other person announces that they expect you to share your location at all times, provide access to your social media accounts, and stop talking to anyone they don't approve of.
And just when you think things couldn't get more romantic, they add, "If you really love me, you'll do it."
Congratulations. You've just encountered a collection of red flags disguised as affection.
We might laugh at that exaggerated scenario, but the truth is that unhealthy relationships frequently begin with behaviors that initially seem harmless. Jealousy gets interpreted as passion, possessiveness gets mistaken for commitment, and control gets disguised as concern. Over time, someone may begin compromising their friendships, convictions, and independence in an effort to preserve a relationship.
That's why we need a better understanding of what love actually looks like.
The Questions Students Are Asking
Every summer, when I speak at Christ in Youth (CIY) events, I'm reminded that relationships are among the most important subjects students are thinking about. During one CIY MOVE gathering, students submitted questions about what to look for in a future spouse and how to maintain healthy boundaries while dating.
I appreciate those questions because they reveal a desire to make decisions that are both meaningful and faithful to Jesus. And the environment in which today's young people are developing relationships can be complicated.
Dating now includes social media, constant messaging, location sharing, and the expectation that someone should always be available. These tools can help people communicate and build trust, but they can also become instruments of manipulation when one person uses them to monitor or control another.
Here's something I want students and adults alike to understand: someone's desire to have access to your life isn't necessarily evidence of their ability to love you well.
Healthy love requires more than attraction, shared interests, or strong emotions. It requires character.
Real Love Reflects the Cross, Not the Culture
In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul describes love as patient, kind, and not self-seeking. The passage wasn't originally written as a dating manual. Paul was teaching the church about the kind of love that should characterize followers of Jesus, particularly in a community where spiritual gifts and personal status had become sources of division.
Nevertheless, those principles are deeply relevant to our closest relationships. The Christian understanding of love is ultimately shaped by Jesus, who demonstrates humility, sacrifice, and concern for others.
Philippians 2 calls believers to value others above themselves and points to the example of Christ. His love isn't characterized by selfish ambition or manipulation. It's expressed through sacrificial service.
That's why I often tell students that real love elevates, encourages, and empowers. It never controls, confines, or coerces.
That statement doesn't mean healthy relationships are free from disagreement. Every meaningful relationship involves negotiation, compromise, and difficult conversations. But there's an important difference between working through a disagreement and using fear or pressure to get someone to comply.
Recognizing Red Flags
Unhealthy patterns can develop gradually. A partner may initially express a desire to spend more time together, which is perfectly normal. But eventually, they may become upset when you spend time with family or friends. They might question your loyalty, pressure you to compromise your convictions, or make you feel guilty for maintaining reasonable boundaries.
When evaluating a relationship, pay attention to patterns rather than isolated moments. Does this person respect your friendships and family relationships? Can you disagree without fear? Do they acknowledge mistakes and take responsibility for their behavior? Do they treat your boundaries as legitimate, even when they would prefer something different?
Technology adds another dimension to these questions. Sharing your location might be a practical arrangement that both people freely agree to, but it becomes concerning when it's demanded, monitored obsessively, or used to interrogate someone about their movements.
Nobody behaves perfectly, and a healthy relationship allows room for grace and growth. But ongoing patterns of manipulation, intimidation, coercion, or disregard for boundaries shouldn't be dismissed as ordinary relationship problems. If you're experiencing abuse or threats, seek support from trusted people and qualified professionals.
Recognizing Green Flags
We spend so much time discussing red flags that we sometimes forget to describe the qualities worth looking for.
A healthy partner celebrates your accomplishments without becoming threatened by your success. They respect your boundaries, support your important relationships, and can disagree with you without humiliation or manipulation. They apologize when they're wrong and demonstrate kindness toward people who have nothing to offer them in return.
For two Christians considering a serious relationship, spiritual compatibility also matters. Does this person encourage your relationship with Jesus? Do they demonstrate integrity and humility? Are they willing to serve others, participate in Christian community, and grow in their faith?
When my wife Erin and I were considering our future together, sharing a desire to serve Jesus was important to us. That experience helped reinforce a principle I enjoy sharing with students: run in the direction of God's mission and pay attention to who is running alongside you.
Instead of building your entire life around the pursuit of a relationship, pursue Jesus. Develop your gifts, serve others, become emotionally mature, and cultivate strong friendships. Then consider whether the person you're dating shares the direction and convictions that matter most to you.
Boundaries Are an Expression of Wisdom
One of the recurring questions students ask concerns physical and sexual boundaries. Scripture presents sexual intimacy as a gift intended for marriage, and passages such as 1 Corinthians 7 teach the importance of self-control and faithfulness in sexual relationships.
For Christians who hold that conviction, dating requires intentionality. It means discussing expectations before emotions are high and decisions become difficult.
But boundaries extend beyond physical intimacy. They include emotional, relational, and digital areas of life. It's healthy to protect time with family, maintain appropriate friendships, and express disagreement without fear of punishment.
A boundary isn't a tool for controlling another person. It's a statement about what you will or will not participate in. You can choose not to remain in a relationship where you're pressured to compromise your convictions. You can decline requests for constant location sharing. And you can insist that disagreements be handled respectfully.
Someone who genuinely loves you won't necessarily agree with every preference you have. But they should respect your dignity and your freedom to make decisions.
Choose a Love That Looks Like Jesus
Attraction matters, chemistry matters, and shared interests can make a relationship enjoyable. But none of those things can replace character.
You can be attracted to someone who isn't good for you. You can have strong feelings for someone whose behavior consistently undermines your well-being. That's why it's important to establish your values before you're deeply invested in a relationship.
If you're single, invest in becoming someone who loves others well. If you're dating, evaluate the relationship through the character of Jesus rather than the expectations of your culture. And if you're married, remember that biblical love continues to require patience, humility, sacrifice, and forgiveness.
Real love should help you follow Jesus more faithfully, not require you to abandon your convictions to keep someone's affection.
That's a love worth pursuing.
Questions for Reflection
- Have you ever mistaken jealousy or possessiveness for genuine love?
- What boundaries would help you build a healthy relationship?
- What qualities would you want to see in a future spouse?
- Do your closest relationships encourage your spiritual growth?
